I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
