I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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