i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think i peed on brittanys purse
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
