She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize