my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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