Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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