): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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