God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
