youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Randomize
