Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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