I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
