I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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