I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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