My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
