You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
