Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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