This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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