y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
