Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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