Yo dont text me then not text me
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
