Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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