So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
