So drunk its hurt
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
