i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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