Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
