I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this hospital has no fireball
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
