when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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