I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
