remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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