the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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