he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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