i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
