Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
