Well douche your snatch and let's go!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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