Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
