i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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