The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
