MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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