I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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