listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize