No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
