it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
