and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
