Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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