Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
