I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
