this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
