sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
