i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You ruined the universe
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
