It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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