he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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