if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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