I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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