I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
