the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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