His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
