Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
