you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
