Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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