Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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