And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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