my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
