So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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